This picture was taken almost 9 months ago. In so many ways it seems as though it's been an eternity, but at the same time it feels like yesterday. I remember every detail of that place. I walk those halls in my dreams.
Just today I spent some time working at our church consignment sale. Ladies (and men) dashing here and there to stock up on deals for their little ones. In the flurry of checking out my hundred and twenty second customer of the day, I was asked about our trip. And the flood came. Why today? No tears were shed in the chaos as I fought them with every part of me (praise the Lord!) but my heart began beating so rapidly. I felt that familiar drop that happens when the waves are coming. And inside, I broke into a thousand pieces again.
Our angel. Actually, she is no longer "ours"- or was she ever, really? She is home with her forever family. The exact place God intended her to be all along. And that is what I rest in. She is safe from harm and thriving in her parents' loving arms. To say I'm not sad would be a lie. When the flood comes, I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed her when she needed me the most even though God spoke very clearly to us that we were not "the ones". I wanted to be the one to love and nurture that little heart. I wanted to be the one to teach her to walk. I wanted to be the one to pick her up and rock her when she fell down.
God's plan for me is not turning out like I had hoped. I had it all planned out and He changed things! But, PRAISE GOD for this past year and a half! And PRAISE GOD that His ways are not my own!! I PRAISE HIM for the journey. It has been the hardest year of my life...and I PRAISE HIM!!
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,for God is our refuge. Selah
Psalm 62: 6-8
Grief stinks. The floods will come, yet I rest in knowing that one day they will subside. For now, I pray for strength and wisdom to be the absolute best mom I can to my 4 sweet ones and for the continued peace I find only through Him.
Amazed by HIS grace,
E
4 comments:
My heart reaches out to you, dear Friend! I know, how it feels like, when those flood waves suddenly crash over,....like you wrote to me recently, I wish, too, we would not share this "heartbreak" together,...Elisabeth, it was you, who encouraged me with all your heart to look at the plans that our GOD had for us all along, where we are today, how HE even is using our common heartbreak to heal us....Your words helped me so much!! Thankyou again for your dear and honest and wise support!
Now I join YOU in PRAYING for strenght and wisdom. I PRAY to our FATHER in HEAVEN that HE heal your wounds, that HE wraps YOU up in a blanket of HIS PEACE!! You are NOT at all a failure!! GOD used you and your family to bring that little angel to that place, GOD intended her to be...Oh I know, why this detour, why related with so much pain and grief for all of you?? I have no answers...only HE knows and HE is in control over the "big picture". But what I know is: YOU are such a BLESSING for so many!!! how LUCKY your FAMILY is, to have such an AMAZING, WONDERFUL WARMHEARTED MOM!!!
MAY GOD BE YOUR REFUGE on each new day!!!
Love Christina
Thank you for sharing this realness with us. (((hug))) Will pray for you today.
I understand. It has been 2 years for me. God's ways are good, but not pain free.
Clinging to His promises with you,
Holly
It must be so hard for you dear... BUT you are right, God knows what he is doing although I'm sure it hurts terribly..
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