Healing...

O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.

Psalm 30:2 (NIV)

Phew! What a couple of weeks. F..i..n..a..l..l..y...I think we are all well (...almost:). We have been lead to assume that it was all a very yucky virus. Which one? We'll never know. Baby most likely had pneumonia after the virus but is on the mend. Our home has been fever free for almost 5 days now, but we continue to hear the coughing (and gurgling chest from baby). I spoke with his cardiologist's nurse today, and surgery will be postponed since his illness involved his lungs. Now we are looking at the end of May or first of June. They assure me his heart will be fine to wait a bit longer- the most important this is for his lungs to be well in order to go on the heart/lung bypass machine.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3 (NIV)

I have had a rough couple of weeks. No, not because of all the illness, though, I'm sure seeing my children so sick absolutely added to my sadness.

I wonder. I turned on my husband's camera a few days ago. Have I mentioned that I haven't been able to look at the pictures from our trip since returning home? Nope, they are still on the camera. I kept thinking that I was "okay". That life was great and moving right along. We are all doing fine. I was wrong. I turned on the camera and the tears flowed. I saw her sweet face.....and I wondered.

(I want to add here that I'm not writing this post for opinions to be thrown at me. I don't need judgement. No, I just need to write out some things. To see the words on screen.)

While in Ukraine, we took many pictures and videos of Ruslana. I remember deleting the "bad" ones as soon as they were taken. I didn't want to see or share the pictures that captured the things we were concerned about. I didn't was to face the things that scared us so. So, when I turned on the camera I saw our angel. The one who stole my heart. The one God put in our lives to change us forever. The one we walked away from.

My heart cried when I saw that face. The smile we got when I tickled her the first time. I could hear her laugh as I looked at that picture. I saw the picture I have told the girls about- the one where she is sitting on the floor and her legs are literally out straight to each side. She is quite the acrobat. Hubby and I were amazed at her flexibility although we knew it sometimes came with Down syndrome.

I looked at every picture and watched every video. The tears came. "The flood gates opened." I don't think I've cried like that since December. Then, I opened the blog of a friend who is in Ukraine right now and saw the pictures of our apartment- the same apartment she is staying in. The tears.

Yesterday, our middle daughter asked if we could visit her once she's home, so she could meet her. Oh, God- how can I do this?!!

Today I opened my closet to see a bit of wrapping paper peaking out from under a shirt. I knew what it was. It was hers. A special Christmas gift bought for her by her "sisters".

The shoe shelf in the garage. Hers is still there. We have 7 of them. When we purged last year, everyone was assigned a shelf. The one meant for Ruslana is slowly gathering other things. Someone elses shoes. A water bottle. Some sidewalk chalk. Dust.

I treasure the days we spent with her. I feel like God chose me to share in something so much bigger than myself. I'm sure you are wondering how that is given we didn't bring her home, but it's true. We were blessed to meet her. We held her. And now she has a family! And I can honestly say that I am so happy for her (and for them:)!

Her new family. Her new family left Easter Sunday on their trip to "their" girl. Fitting isn't it? Easter Sunday. The beginning of New Life. I just love it when God does things like that!! I guess they will be meeting her any day. They have a blog, but I can't gain the courage to ask for an invitation. Is it because I think they will judge me? Or more out of fear? My fear to see that sweet face once again. My fear and sadness to see her in someone elses arms. My desire to be them- the one with love in my eyes.

Thus, my journey of healing continues. Grief is like this. It shows it's face when you least expect it. I wonder if I'll always feel this way. Always wonder "what if". We are confident that we made the best decision with God's help, but that doesn't make it easier. One of our dreams died the day we closed the orphanage gate for the last time.

For now, I have four treasures to hold. Four treasures who look to me to make sure things are okay. Four treasures who need to see that mommy is human and that life does go on. Oh, how I love each of them!!

Maybe someday we can send that Christmas gift to her. And our grief can come to an end.

Thank you, Lord, for sending me on this journey. A journey I didn't expect and is very hard, but a journey that I wouldn't change even if I could. For I know His plans are bigger than my own.

My life has been changed forever....and it all began with a little blue eyed girl.

In Him,

E