This photo was taken the day we got the first call about Charlie- 2 days before we were "chosen". I love it. It captures exactly how I want to live my life....pure joy in worshipping our Savior. Reckless abandonment.
Freedom from being someone I'm not.
As we were doing housework this morning, the words Kris Allen's song "Live Like We're Dying" came floating from the iPod speakers. They hit me like a ton of bricks.
Live Like We're Dying. I don't. And I should.
Several days ago my dear friend, Anna, awarded me with this . The title of the award cracks me up. I also received this award some time ago from another friend. Instead of writing a quick post about "honesty" and ten honest things about myself, I decided to ponder it a few days. And truthfully, what I've come to realize has shocked me.
Honesty is in the top 5 of rules in our home. But I don't like to be honest. Too often, I don't want people to see the "real" me. The me whose house is far from clean most days. The me who sometimes allows our girls to (gasp!) eat ice cream at lunchtime because I'm too into something to be pulled away. And if that's not bad enough, my kids have even not brushed their teeth until 3 pm before!! Never mind changing out of their pajamas (or mine, for that matter) for days. Guess what? I'm not the world's greatest mom or wife. I try but more often than not I fail miserably.
Over cyberspace I am able to weed out the bad and ugly of my daily life. I can pretend to be cool and perfect. I would never show the "out take" photos because then you may be on to me. Only the super cute, perfect ones make the cut and are allowed to be posted on these sacred pages, right?
I hate that about myself. I want to be real. I want to lay it all out there. The reason I don't? Judgement. Judgement scares me to death. It rears it's ugly head and makes me feel like dirt. And as much as we've been judged, dare I say that I judge?! My mind starts making assumptions and my hand starts pointing fingers. Not at all like Christ.
This past year has been one of the most emotional of my life. We received the greatest of blessings when Charlie's birthmom chose us. What a selfless gift to him and our family! Just a few months later, we lost a daughter. I have struggled with the "what ifs" over and over again.
If only I were perfect, right?
My prayer is that I can and will seek God's Will for my life. I pray that I am able to push aside the perfection that society looks for. I'm not here to impress society. Of course, I have great desires and prayers for myself that I so hope He answers. I want more children- the ones that seem to be casted aside by society. The "special" ones.
The reality is that HE is in control of this life. And I want to totally surrender to His call. To live OUT LOUD.....and LIVE LIKE I AM DYING!
In Him,
E
4 comments:
If you only knew how many "honest" statements I deleted to type in less revealing ones in their place. They were still honest..... but not so painful. I am SOOOOOO right there with you. sigh. I did leave a few that were hard. ;)
I'm applauding!!!!!
Awesome post!!! No one likes to be judged or hear a tsk,tsk. Honesty is a lot harder than we think. I mean to be truly honest and admit some things that may have people raise and eyebrow.
I just received a mothers Day card from one of my dearest friends, who happens to have 13 children.
She wrote, " thanks for showing me a good mother does not have to be perfect"
Thanks for this post!! I'm going to start living!!!!!
Hi, Elisabeth
Actually this is not a comment, it is a question: from a stranger across the ocean:):)
My name is Christina. I live in Switzerland with my family and I landed to your blog thru reecesrainbow. My English is not that good, but I try:
I want to ask you, if I may email you? I would like to share, what we experienced, when we had to give up our dreams to adopt years ago. Reading your posts, so many times I was saying to myself: I know exactly what she is talking about, I know these feelings very well... It brought many memorys back, and some times it is good to look back, even it hurts. In the other way, I realized again, how our GOD healed us in so many wonderful ways those last years. So, how ever your answer is to my question: I really want to thank you very much, how honest and authentic you write about you / your family. GOD uses you as a huge encouragement to me!
Be blessed Christina
my email: ccmueller@hispeed.chderwarib
I so understand my friend. Truly.
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