*Quickly, I've received some great comments to this post, but they seem to be disappearing when I publish them. Any ideas?*
Okay, I have two questions for you experts (Moms!). And no, they have no relation to each other.
Question #1- How do you refer to your child with Down Syndrome? That didn't come out right- Charlie is my child FIRST, but several people have said to me lately that Charlie IS Downs. As in, "Did you know before the adoption that he was Downs?" Or "Since he is Downs....". I have heard this before, but I've never ever thought of him as actually being "Downs" and technically that's what that means, right? Yes, Charlie has Down Syndrome. It is and always will be a part of who he is but it isn't what he is. Am I right or am I just thinking too much about this? Would this bother you? Truthfully, it does offend me when people label him that way, but at the same time I'm sure they say it that way out of ignorance. So, we just move on unless the opportunity arises where I am able to correct them.
Question #2- Now, maybe I am completely ignorant because I have much more knowledge about Eastern European adoptions, but do orphans from Eastern Europe (Ukraine, Russia, etc) tend to have more attachment issues than orphans in Asian countries? And if so, is it because the care and foster home type settings in Asia are superior to overcrowded, underfunded, downright scary EE orphanages? I think that especially in a foster home type setting the children develop an ability to bond with their foster family. And yes, I KNOW that regardless of where an orphan is from that attachment issues are very real, but it just seems that I don't hear as much about these problems in Asian children. I hope I haven't rocked someone's boat with this question.
Just curious. Thanks!!
In Him,
E
13 comments:
I can only answer the first because I have no experience with the second question: Charlie IS NOT DOWNS!!!! That is totally incorrect when people say that and it totally offends me! Charlie has Down syndrome, not Downs, not Charlie is a Downs baby or Charlie is Downs- HE HAS Down syndrome! Sorry, but I don't understand why people can't say that right. I just say Bennett has Down syndrome and he's not a Down syndrome baby - he's a baby with Down syndrome-always put the person first. Don't mean to sound like I'm lecturing you because I know you had a feeling it was not right to say it that way. I'll step off my soap box now:)
you know, i have 2 little boys (7 and 4) and anytime that we see someone who is "different", the first thing out of their mouths is that, "that person is special mom"!! God makes everyone of us so different from each other, but He makes us all special. and as far as little charlie BEING downs....he's not!!! he HAS downs, just like my 4 year old HAS brown eyes and a goofy, silly personality. God just gave charlie the wonderful ability to always be able to look at life and see the happiness and pleasure in the little things!! that's one of the blessings of being "different" or "special" (as my boys would say). so i guess to answer your question....he's charlie, a beautiful, precious, wonderful, smart, happy, loving, lucky child....who God chose to bless with downs!! and the ones who make comments, are the ones who usually don't understand just how perfect each person is because they were created by God exactly the way he meant for us to be!!!! charlie is completely perfect, cause he's just the way God wanted him!!!!
Hi E! I don't think you're over-thinking the first question. It has always rubbed me REALLY the wrong way when someone says something like "Oh, look at the cute Downs baby." Down Syndrome does not IDENTIFY the person, it is merely a part of them. I think you're absolutely right.
I can only answer the first one. I am not the Mother of a child with Down Syndrome, but I have friends who are very dear to my heart that do have children with Down Syndrome - BUT, I do have a special needs child (and we don't fit into any "group"), so I feel I am qualified to put my two cents worth in. :)
I would be highly offended if someone referred to my child in that manner. I have had this conversation with two of my closest friends (who both have children with Down Sydrome) and we all agree that making that comment is highly insulting.
Charlie is a beautiful baby who has Down Sydrome. He is not defined by his diagnosis.
I would make a very firm - but nice - point of correcting anyone who made that statement. I would simply say, "My son HAS Down Sydrome, he is not a Down Syndrome Baby".
I think it is perfectly fine to correct someone - 1. because it offends you (rightly so) 2. because you now have the platform available to educate others - take advantage of it.
When I talk about my daughter, I always say, that "she has special needs or she has microcephaly". I would not say that my daughter is a microcephalic girl. That is just ridiculous and insulting!
Use your beautiful voice and say the words that Charlie cannot say (for now)and let people know...it's ok and us fellow parents who have children with special needs will appreciate you for it!
I do know of Asian children whose adoptions were dissolved due to RAD...however, there are more reported cases of children from EE whose adoptions end in dissolution. I am not going to speculate here as to why.
I do know that we have been blessed with our children in China coming from foster families. It is a huge blessing. In EE once a child is in foster care, he or she is no longer adoptable. But look at little Hailee Salem...and you must believe that all things ARE possible. Go where the Lord leads.
love,
Holly
#1 I would very politely say, "Oh yes, we knew that he had Downs Syndrome. But, that does not mean he "IS downs". It's just something that he has, something that he was born with."
Make it simple and polite. I'm sure the person saying this has absolutely no idea how offensive it comes across, but they may be very thankful when you politely point out the difference.
It's all about educating people that truly aren't aware of what they are saying. I get all kinds of rude comments about my African children. But, instead of being offended, I do my best to educate.
Laurel :)
#2 I believe you may be correct that children adopted from EE orphanages may have more incidents of attachment issues, and the issues may be more severe in some cases. However, I do know several families that have had serious attachment issues with children from Asia. I also now of many very serious issues of attachment of children from Africa and Haiti. (Children living in foster care in the U.S. can have severe attachment issues, as well.) It's just the nature of the situation ... when an adoption is necessary, it means that the child has, for whatever reason, "lost" the parent/child relationship that they were born into. Some children are given up the day they were born ... others spend months or years with their parents (but it still might not be a healthy home environment) ... while others don't lose the parental relationship until into their teens. Either way ... it can be just plain hard for the child.
Some children (from any country) will transition right into their adoptive homes without a hint of trouble; while others (regardless of the country) may never be able to work through their attachment issues. Prior to the child coming "home", it can be very difficult to determine the level of attachment issues that may arise.
Laurel
I agree with Adrienne...Charlie has Down syndrome....he IS NOT a Downs baby. For example, if a child had the chicken pox would you refer to them as the "chicken pox baby"??!! NO, you would more than likely say that so and so HAS the chicken pox!! I do confess that I can feel my temperature rise when I hear the latter, but as Landon's mom and advocate (a job I take very seriously), I DO take those opportunities to correct and educate people. People first language!!!!
Hi Elizabeth!
I get those questions about Carly a lot. Someone even referred to her one time as a "mongloid child!" My mouth dropped open and I was speechless. I try to lovingly correct people and tell myself it is pure ignorance. I do my best to educate them and I think Carly has taught a lot of people about her abilities and that she is not defined by her so called disability. She is a child first. Someone once told me that they were so sorry she had downs. I told them that I wasn't sorry. This is how God made her and God doesn't make mistakes! Perfect souls come in imperfect bodies : )
On your second question, Olivia was adopted from Guatemala and was in foster care for 6 months. She had no problem bonding with us. She does have separation anxiety now at 5 but my pediatrician tells us that is normal and probably has nothing to do with fear that she will be left again. I have seen many children adopted from Russia with Reactive Attachment Disorder because they are left in cribs all day with no interaction. I just read an article in Christianity Today about a couple who went over there to adopt and the orphanage was so quiet. The children didn't even cry because they knew no one would respond. So heartbreaking.
Anyway, these are my thoughts on your questions!
"Charlie is Downs".....UGH!!! Another one that gets me is "oh they just had a Down syndrome baby". Double UGH!!! My son Noah is a little boy first, he just happens to have Down syndrome. So when I have to refer to the Down syndrome, I say exactly that "this is my son Noah and he was born with Down syndrome". I never say "Down syndrome child", always "a CHILD with Down syndrome".
Adrienne is right. I am a case manager who works with people with disabilities. This type of language is called "people first". We are all people first, and any disablilty or illness is something that we have, not who we are. A great resource is the disability is natural website at http://www.disabilityisnatural.com/
Thank you for the clarification in the first question. I look forward to reading all the responses to the second question.
I'm going to disagree with pretty much everyone here. I do agree that I would much rather my daughter be referred to as "having down syndrome" than "being downs," but I think we have to understand that people really don't mean anything by it. I have to think of myself, before my daughter was born, I didn't know the lingo. I probably would have said, "is she downs?" I would never have meant that she IS down syndrome, I would just been using terms I had heard. If I were to refer to someone as a cancer patient, I certainly wouldn't mean that that is what they ARE, of course, cancer is something they have.
Those of us with special needs children have had a lot of time to think about the actual meanings of these phrases, and can get offended at them. But, the general population hasn't thought a lot about the right verb to use. In fact, I suspect that when they are corrected, they say things like "oh, that's what I meant."
Here's my point. I don't want to get caught up in semantics. I want people to feel free to talk to me about Down Syndrome without being afraid that they will say the wrong thing. Open communication is the first step to acceptance!
Just my opinion, typed with love!
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